this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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