I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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