She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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