If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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