I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
