So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dear god my vagina.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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