The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
