oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
