your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
