he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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