in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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