ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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