The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
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What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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