Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
