So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
