U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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