I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
