there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The uberlube is also flammable
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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