i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
