Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
