Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
