At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
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