just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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