Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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