He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
