We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
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