; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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