Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
