These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
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I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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