dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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