Please, let me fuck your mom
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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