Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
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