everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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