Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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