I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
