Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
