I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
ttyl tear gas
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
