Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
