The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
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Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
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Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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