seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
