I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
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