Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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