Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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