I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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