All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
