I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
