i jhust puked up my retainher.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
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Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
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And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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