3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
