does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Panties = found
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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