A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
