I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
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So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
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I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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