I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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