I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
