How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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