Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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