Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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