So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
